Hi Yogi friends. It’s been a while since you’ve heard from me and for that I am sorry. When I started my blog it was never my intent to be silent this long. I finally feel ready to update you on where I’ve been and to begin connecting again consistently.
April and May were a whirlwind and centered around finishing up assignments for my graduation from Maria Santoferraro’s Healthy Mind, Body, and Soul Yoga Teacher Training. The program had a decent amount of work; not too much where it was overwhelming, but enough to keep you engaged and learning between our monthly hands-on training weekends. Never in my life did I imagine I would be learning anatomy and find it interesting, or learn so many Sanskrit words. The last thing I anticipated happening during training was to meet and grow with a wonderful group of women whom I’m so lucky to now have as friends.
The day after graduating as a RYT-200 with Yoga Alliance I was offered the opportunity to substitute teach some Sunday evening classes at Yoga Bliss’s Fairlawn location. This quickly led to more teaching opportunities with the studio at both their Fairlawn and Green locations. I was excited and prepared to jump into my career towards the end of June. (If you’re interested in where and when I’m teaching visit my Schedule page.)
Until my life irrevocably changed.
I had just left an outdoor yoga class celebrating the Summer Solstice and International Day of Yoga when my mom called. My father had passed away suddenly. I can say with absolute certainty that I went into shock. The rest of that day, as well as the next few weeks, are still a foggy memory of disbelief, anger, anxiety, and grief.
Yoga consistently helps get me through life and keeps me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically centered and balanced. I wanted to have absolutely nothing to do with it.
For a month I didn’t teach and I only managed to drag myself as a student to three classes. My teachers were wonderful in those classes. They held space for me, didn’t blink an eye when I chose to practice restorative asanas instead of flow, and they let me cry – allowing my mat to be a safe space. Thank you. The studio manager and fellow teachers were wonderful too; they worked hard to get my classes covered and taught them for me. Thank you.
At the end of July I resumed teaching. Part of me was ready; I was afraid that if I kept letting time go by I may not connect with yoga again. My dad loved that I had found my passion and he would not want me to let that go and I want to share the gift of yoga with others. But, to a degree, I wasn’t emotionally ready. I feel good about it now, but occassionaly I still struggle; especially with trying to develop a class theme, but when in doubt the breath is always a good starting place.
I’d heard that grief makes you heavy and changes you. Even though I have experienced loss many times before, it has never been of this magnitude. I now understand that heaviness and am seeing how it changes you; how you start to prioritize some things in life differently, how some of your boundaries change, and how things that used to matter aren’t as important and different things matter more. Laughter doesn’t come as easy, happy moments are tinged with sadness and longing. It’s difficult most days to wear the happy mask, be inspirational, and hold space for others. There are still triggers everywhere and I often cry at the smallest thing. Some people understand these things, but I feel others think that I should be more healed and “getting over it” already. As of today, it’s only 2 months and 13 days since my dad left his body. It is still new and fresh for me.
I’m starting to come back to my life and heal, but it’s a long, windy, hilly road. Please understand why I am still quiet and why there aren’t many updates or Instagram photos while I’m still searching for my “new normal” and consistent happiness. My cup is filling again, but it is still pretty low. Most days I rely on pranayama and simple, short, meditations with mantra to help get me through while I work on staying focused. I’d love to be available to hold space for you, maybe inspire you, but I have to be honest with myself and you: I just can’t quite do that consistently yet. But I’m working on it and I know that day will come.
