I have spent a large portion of my life seeing therapists and on medication to help cope with attention deficit disorder, general anxiety, social anxiety, insomnia, and major depression. Sometimes my symptoms would wane and I’d feel fine, stable. However, when the symptoms were present life could be, to say the least, extremely challenging for myself as well as those around me.
In the early 2010’s I entered into, what I would consider, the darkest period of my life – I was completely consumed by my diagnoses. I couldn’t fall asleep or stay asleep. I was lacking focus, direction, and purpose. My body and mind were in constant fight-or-flight mode. There were points in time where my anxiety was so great I could not leave my home – not even to walk to the mailbox at the end of the driveway.
I didn’t love, let alone like, myself.
All of the darkness culminated in me attempting to take my own life.
It was several months after that failed attempt when I decided my life needed a massive overhaul. We are not meant to merely pass through our days – rather we should be active participants in our lives. The answer came fairly easy: At previous points in my life when I had practiced yoga I was happier, more focused, and less stressed. I needed to come back to my mat and develop a consistent yoga practice.
In the beginning I was focused on the asana, or physical posture, practice – my body felt better after moving and my mood improved. As my balance, strength, and flexibility increased so did my confidence which helped foster a positive relationship with my body and resulted in reduced anxiety in social situations. Additionally, the focus required during class began to improve my concentration. In class there is often an emphasis on pranayama (breathing) which can help calm the mind and body. Breath is one thing we cannot live without and pausing to bring attention to it during stressful situations is a valuable lesson that can be taken off the mat and into everyday life. Adding in a short meditation session each day furthered my ability to be still and cultivate focus. The resulting peace and quietness in my head from the asana practice, as well as pranayama and meditation, has significantly reduced my anxiety, increased my happiness and focus, and greatly reduced my insomnia*.
The teachings shared with me by my teachers during class started to break away the sadness, anger, and self-loathing I had held onto for years.
It was during one of these classes that a teacher read a quote from Edith Wharton:
In spite of illness, in spite even of the archenemy sorrow, one can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways.
The quote resonated in my heart and my mind latched onto it. For so many years because of my mental illness I had been in a battle with inner sorrow, yet I had managed to live. Not only live, but embrace change in my life. I was curious about the world around me again and enamored with yoga – I could not learn enough about the practice. And I was happy – an emotion I had not truly felt in years. It was in that instant that I felt called to take on a big thing and share what I’d learned from yoga and how it had helped me. I spoke with my teacher about her Yoga Teacher Training, did some research on becoming a teacher, and within a couple weeks I was enrolled in her training program. In May 2018, I graduated from Maria Santoferraro’s Healthy Mind, Body, and Soul training program as a RYT 200 with Yoga Alliance. The practice has had such a profound influence on creating positive change in my life and I want to share that with you.
My heart is full of gratitude for the support of family, friends, and teachers that have stood by me offering their support along the journey through my inner darkness to the place where I’ve found more balance in my life, blossomed into my authentic self, and learned to be present in my body and mind.
Today, when I look in the mirror, I love the woman smiling back at me.
Namaste,
KC
*Yoga is not a replacement for care from a medical doctor. Rather it can be a helpful complimentary treatment.